A Leap of Faith

2020 in a nutshell: January, February, 2 weeks lockdown, 2021

2020 sudah berakhir.

Gimana rasanya 2020? Gimana rasanya setahun di rumah terus? Makan, tidur, nonton, makan, tidur, nonton, makan, tidur, nonton sampek elek. Destinasi cuman kasur, meja, dapur. Kadang ke kotak pos, ngecek surat. Gitu wae tiap hari dari Februari, sampek tau-tau udah Desember aja. Baru Desember bentar, lha kok lockdown lagi. Tau-tau udah tahun baru, udah 2021.

Di kehidupan yang normal, aku akan bilang, "Wah, ndak kerasa udah 2021 yaa". Sayangnya, ini bukan kehidupan yang normal. 2020 rasanya kayak naik kereta super ngebut, tapi kamu ndak di dalam gerbong. Di atap gerbong. Digampar angin terus-terusan. Kejedug tiang. Kesetrum kabel. Kehujanan. Kepanasan. Ndak dapet makan. Ndak bisa tidur. Ndak tau bisa bertahan berapa lama sebelum terlempar dari atap, jatoh ke rel, dan tamat. Begitu sampek di 2021 udah compang-camping dan kucel, elek sakpole. So, for YOU who survived 2020 and chose life, good job. Really proud of YOU. It wasn't an easy ride, mentally and physically exhausting one for sure.

2020 juga jadi tahun penuh ketidakpastian dan ketidakjelasan. Ndak tau apa yang bakal terjadi di depan. Bisa bertahan hidup hari ini aja udah bersyukur banget. Uniknya, banyak yang menggunakan ketidakpastian dan ketidakjelasan ini sebagai alasan untuk mencari kejelasan dan kepastian. Soal jalan hidup, soal karir, soal motivasi, soal passion, soal prioritas, soal pilihan. Kesempatan untuk menata ulang dan memulai dari nol terbuka lebar, tinggal berani atau ndak untuk terjun. Leap of faith.

Termasuk juga aku. Setelah apa yang terjadi di akhir 2019, 2020 buatku jadi blessing in disguise. Kesempatan untuk menimbang prioritas dalam hidup, menimbang mana yang worth it untuk dijaga, menentukan pilihan, bikin jadwal baru, sistem baru. Bikin bakso dan cookies, biar punya makanan pas sibuk mikirin segalanya. Mikir hidup, kuliah, PKK. Mikirin kamu juga. Sayangnya ndak semua masalah bisa keluar solusinya kalo dipikirin. Kadang butuh terjun, berhadapan langsung. Tapi aku masih ndak berani. Terlalu banyak yang dikorbankan.

All it took was a little nudge from Pak Menejer Sad Brokoli a.k.a Dr. Manhattan for me to finally take the plunge. Dude, I owe you big time. I chose. Ndak pake mikir panjang. Apapun yang terjadi setelahnya, aku ndak masalah. It was worth it, after all.

But then the hands were revealed.

The past. The scar. The grief.

The very thing I saw in the depth of the eyes back then but I didn't understand. The feeling of being not good enough for anything or anyone. And coming from someone whose eyes as fiery as the sun but at the same time as gentle as the moon, it was heart-wrenching. I mean, I already knew almost everything, but hearing it directly was on a different level. I was speechless. Crushed into pieces. Everything is not okay.

And I'm completely fine with that.

You don't need to convince me.

You don't have to be scared you're not enough.

Left everything that's been broken behind, clean the slate, and start over.

That's all that we need it to be, and the rest of the world falls away. (Or so they say).

It might be a safe harbour in the storm, but I prefer to go on as the crew that came in the aftermath to begin planting foundations and removing debris so the ship can sail safely and happily. Whether I'm part of that ship or not doesn't matter. Well, I know, you know, everyone knows that being a part of that ship is all that I've wanted for longer than anyone could possibly know. But sometimes the time just isn't right. There might be a future or another life where I'm part of that ship, I don't know.

Whatever happen in the future, whether it's as I wanted it to be or not, those eyes will always be the one I look up into. A gift from the universe, the answer to all the prayers.

So, what do you say?